Naruto Crack Fiction
by Masta of da House
Summary: Not completley cracked, just random. I wrote it in computor class last year and found it saved with my homework files, so I'd thought I would share it with you!


**Naruto Crack Fiction**

Everybody was at the ramen shop because I said so. Naruto Uzumaki was eating ramen, thouroghly enjoying it until Sasuke walked up to him.

"Naruto, I love you!" said Sasuke.

"Well I don't love you, I love Sakura. Even though she's violent, shallow and an all around terrible person." said Naruto with ramen in his mouth.

"Ew, you spit ramen at me." said Sasuke, wiping it off his face.

"Sasuke, I can't believe you're cheating on me with Naruto!" Sakura shouted.

Hinata, hearing this, fainted in her ramen and began to drown.

"That's nothing," said Ino. "Shikamaru's cheating on me with every girl in the whole series."

"Oh, and he's cheating on you with me too." said Kiba.

"What the fuck?!" cried Ino in shock and disbelief.

"Just kidding." said Kiba.

Kiba and Ino stared at each other in awkward silence until Naruto broke it by screaming really loud.

"Oh my God, Hinata's drowning!" He ran over and pulled her head out of her ramen. She was dripping wet with ramen and she wasn't breathing.

Naruto, being the genius that he was, that's sarcasm folks, decided that it would be a good idea to give Hinata CPR.

"No." said Neji. "You're stupid and can't do CPR and besides if you do, she'll just faint again."

"Why?" said Naruto, being clueless.

"Because I said so." explained Neji. "And because I'm God. Yes I am. I'm God and I determine your destinies."

"Than why'd you give yourself such a crappy life." asked Naruto, not so much trying to contradict Neji's statement as actually just being stupid.

"Silence, inferior being." ordered Neji.

"Hey, someone give Hinata CPR!" said Kiba.

"Actually, if she's not going through a cardiac arrest, you should just give her rescue breathing not CPR." said Shikamaru.

"Somebody do something!" said Kiba.

"Fine." said Neji. And so he gave Hinata rescue breathing as Naruto tried to call 911. You see, Naruto was so dumb he didn't know what the number was for 911 was, but that didn't matter because Hinata was okay. Well, for the most part.

"Holy crap, did I just make out with my cousin?!" screamed Hinata. "I can't believe it!"

"Believe it!" shouted Naruto, out of pure impulse.

"Somebody please kill me." said Hinata.

Gaara, who was there, people watching, heard this. "Okay." He said. "Desert Coffin!" and Hinata died.

"Oh my God! You killed Hinata!" said Kiba accusingly.

"You bastard!" finished Naruto.

There was another awkward silence.

Suddenly, Tsunade burst out of nowhere. "Everyone," she said. "I have a very important announcement to make." She paused, waiting for everyone to be quiet, for this was a very important announcement. Everyone was silent waiting to hear what the Hokage had to say.

"I just lost the game." declared Tsunade.

A lot of swearing followed by the words " I just lost the game." was heard from everyone. Everyone but Shikamaru, who had lost the game but was too lazy to say so, Neji, who thought the game was stupid, and Naruto, who couldn't lose the game because to lose the game you had to be thinking about the game, and Naruto was too stupid to think.

"Hey," said Ino flirtatiously to Shikamaru. "You wanna make out?"

"Nah," said Shikamaru. "It's too troublesome."

"Sasuke?" she offered.

"No thanks." said Sasuke. "I'm gay too. Oh, yeah and I can't see anyone right now, since I'm an avenger and have too many things to think about. Like thinking of a sexy revenge line."

"Can we please make out, Shikamaru?" Ino whined.

"Tch. Fine." He muttered. "You women are so troublesome."

Just then Itachi came out of nowhere.

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha." said Sasuke Uchiha "You killed my family. Prepare to die."

"Your revenge lines lack sexiness." said Itachi. "You'll never be able to kill me, foolish little brother."

" Well I'm Neji Hyuuga, God of Destiny and I say Sasuke should get his revenge." said Neji.

Sasuke smiled, because he just thought of a plan. "I'm not going to kill you," He said with an evil grin "but I'm going to leave you begging for me too."

"Oh, really." said Itachi "I think you're bluffing."

"Hey, Sakura!" called Sasuke.

"Yes, Sasuke-kun?" she said, smiling

"I'd like you to meet," he said "My hot older brother."

"Holy crap, he's sexier than you are!" cried Sakura, glomping Itachi "I will stalk him to the ends of the Earth!"

"Get off me before I send you to Tsukoyomi." warned Itachi.

"Okay!" said Sakura, cheerily "We'll go to Tsukoyomi for our honeymoon alright, sweetheart."

"I'm not marrying you!" said Itachi.

"Well of course, not now!" giggled Sakura. Itachi gave up trying to reason with her and decided he'd just run. Sakura continued to stalk him until he eventually committed suicide 5 years later.

"So Sasuke," said Naruto "You finally got your revenge. What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to DisneyWorld!" said Sasuke, oddly cheerful. He had a smile on his face because he was so happy that he was able to pay Itachi back for all the pain and suffering he'd caused him over the course of his life.

"You're so pleasant now that you aren't emo, Sasuke." said Tsunade. "Now maybe you won't have to go to the Sound Villiage with that sick pedophile Orochimaru.

"Yeah!" said Sasuke "Let's go, Naruto!"

"I'm not going with you to DisneyWorld. I like DisneyWorld and all but I really don't want to share a hotel room with you." said Naruto.

"Why?" asked Neji "You're destined to be together anyway. I made sure of it."

"Damn you!" Naruto yelled. "I don't wanna marry Sasuke!"

"Blasphemy! You committed a mortal sin." chastised Neji "Now witness my power, inferior being!" And he struck Naruto dead with a lightning bolt.

"Wow, you really are God." said Ino, who had stopped sticking her tongue down Shikamaru's throat for a brief moment.

"Told you." said TenTen.

Gaara then Desert Coffined TenTen because killing people gave him a cheap high and besides, noone would miss her.

Sasuke was kneeling on the floor crying.

"Great job, Neji." said Tsunade. "You made him go all emo again."

"You will refer to me as the Lord Your God, Neji Hyuuga, Future Overlord of the Hyuuga Clan and God of Destiny." corrected Neji.

"Must. Avenge. Naruto." said Sasuke to himself. He turned to Neji. " You killed my love!" he cried.

"And?" asked Neji

" And I will avenge him." said Sasuke, back to his normal state of wanting vengeance.

"You can't kill him." said Temari. "He's a God." Then she looked at Ino. "Hey can I have a turn with him now, Ino?"

"Okay." she said.

"How troublesome." complained Shikamaru, who really just wanted to go home and take a nice long nap.

Suddenly, Orochimaru entered the scene.

"Orochimaru, get the hell out of my villiage!" yelled Tsunade. "I've had a really terrible day, since Gaara keeps killing people and with the whole losing the game and all, I really don't need you making my day worse."

"Damn you Tsunade." hissed Orochimaru "You made me lose the game."

"Serves you right for being a freaky pedophile." Said Neji.

"Shut up. My hair is prettier than yours." said Orochimaru.

"No it's not." insisted Neji

"Whatever." said Orochimaru, who really didn't give two shits about what Neji thought. "Sasuke, come with me," He pulled a hood over his head "You don't know the power of the Dark Side."

"You're going to help me get my revenge?" asked Sasuke.

Orochimaru nodded.

"You sure you're not just going to take me to your village so that you can molest me and make me your sex slave?" Sasuke said.

"Why would I do that?" asked Orochimaru, trying to look as innocent as he could, considering he was evil.

"You did it to Kabuto." said Sasuke

"That was different." explained Orochimaru.

"How so?" asked Sasuke.

"He liked it." said Orochimaru.

"Alright, this is really messed up." said Tsunade. " Somebody get me some sake now! I think I'm going to have to be really drunk to understand any of this."

"You're always drunk, Hokage-sama." said Ino.

"Yeah, I know." Tsunade said. "Isn't that wonderful?"

Suddenly, Sasuke's cell phone rang. His ring tone was a very emo song that he liked very much. He picked it up. It was a collect call from heaven.

"Hyello?… Naruto?… How are you calling me, you're dead…. Oh, I see…. Hey, tell my parents I said Hi…. Yeah?… Yeah?… Really?… I'm going to the Sound Villiage with Orochimaru so I can avenge you, what are you doing?… Really?… How's Haku doing?… That's great. Well, I gotta go. I love you, bye."

Sasuke hung up. There was another awkward silence.

"Hey, Temari, can I have a turn?" asked Kiba.

"NOOOO!!!" yelled Shikamaru, with more energy than anyone had ever heard him express. "I can't stand you people, using me as a tool just because I'm too lazy to resist! I don't even like you, Temari and Ino. My true love is Hinata, and she's dead! Gaara, kill me too!"

"Yeah, I was going to anyway, considering what you did to my sister last night." said Gaara. "Desert Coffin!"

And with that, Shikamaru was dead.

"Gaara!" yelled Tsunade "Stop killing people!"

"And if I don't?" asked Gaara.

"I will have to kill you." warned Tsunade "You know I could, I'm Hokage and everything."

"Well I'm Kazekage, so there." said Gaara "I actually am the one who put the 'Kaze' in "Kazekage'."

"Well I put the 'Ho' in 'Hokage'." retorted Tsunade. "That came out wrong."

There was another awkward silence.

"Okay, let's go." said Orochimaru, grabbing Sasuke's hand and pulling him off to in the direction of the Sound Villiage.

"Hey Orochimaru," said Sasuke. "I was thinking, could we not go to the Sound Villiage, and maybe go to DisneyWorld instead?"

Orochimaru smiled. It was really creepy. "I was hoping you would ask me that Sasuke." He said.

And they walked off into the sunset.


End file.
